Cupid's Link

The truth lays within our hearts not our minds

2009-12-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

I cannot look at you Because I am scared my eyes will tell you the truth
I cannot be myself in front of you
Because when I am around you I am too nervous to remember who I am
I do not know how you feel towards me
So I too feel nothing towards myself
When I am not with you, I think of how funny our conversations can be
When I am with you, I cannot think of anything to say
The truth lies within my heart, where I know I have feelings for you.

Because our minds remind of us of the fear, we tend to forget how we feel. The fear of being rejected, the fear of commitment, the fear of a relationship that will not work, the fear that you do not feel the same for me as I do for you, sometimes even the fear that our life will change in a way that we must give up certain things; like the time we spend with our friends, work or family. All these fears which we have in our minds that lead us to ignore our hearts.

We live in a world where we must think before we act. A society where we are reminded that the most important and successful decisions are made with precise thought, planning and thorough research. We are a society of business plans.

What we forget is that as humans we are made to love. We are destined to be with someone. We are created in a way to find, express, feel and share love. And the heart is where love is generated from. The heart is where love is felt. Not our minds. Yet we tend to allow our minds to direct us when it comes to love. We should not allow our mind to be in charge of our emotions, because they are not created there. Especially when it is our mind that reminds us of the fears, the things we may lose.

If it wasn’t for my mind telling me you can see how I feel
I would look at you
If it wasn’t for my mind telling me you may not like the real me
I would be myself in front of you
If it wasn’t for my mind reminding me to analyze everything
I would not be nervous in front of you
If it wasn’t for my mind telling me to think before I speak in front of you
I would speak freely
If it wasn’t for my mind telling me to think about how you feel towards me
I would allow myself to feel it instead

Our heart is not scared to have feelings. Our heart does not think of the what-ifs, it only feels. The truth lies within the heart, not our actions, not our words, not the things we deny ourselves of being.

When it comes to love, listen to your heart not your mind. Your heart will always tell you the truth without analyzing the possibilities, the could be, couldn’t be, might, might nots. Your heart just feels; it holds the raw truth and the key to a happy and healthy relationship. The next time you like someone don’t think of anything but what you feel when you think of that person. With those feelings allow your mind to think of the best course of actions on how to express them. Not suppress them with thoughts outside of your true emotions. Because at the end of the day, as humans we are nothing but emotions. We are living in this world to experience through our emotions. So make sure your emotions are the reasons behind your choices and the guidance to your life.

Live to feel, feel to live.

Hugs,
Sherry Ahkami
http://www.cupidslink.ca/

Dating Checklist

2009-11-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

People are always asking me, “Why are you single?” My usual response is that I have standards. Standards which allow me to understand what type of guy will work with someone like me. I have dated enough to understand why I have chosen such standards. Also I have dated enough to know without them I feel as though something is missing. Standards guide us into healthy relationships and allow us to avoid settling for relationships that supplement the need to be with someone.

I believe when we are referring to dating and standards, there is a negative connotation. Having the right kind of standards does not mean that my ideal guy is: 6 foot 1, multi millionaire, tanned, dark hair, etc. Because in fact the reality is 6 foot 1 is much too tall for me. So my standards must be 5”11 lol  The type of standards I am really referring to are ones that refer to an individual’s lifestyle and characteristics.

Many people feel that if you set your standards to high, you may never meet a person. Others are just so unsure of themselves and what they personally want in a partner that they have no standards at all. It is important to understand who you are as an individual before ever looking for a partner. You must understand the type of person you are in order to understand what type of person will complement you. Not complete you, but complement you. A person should not be the solution, but rather the bonus to your life the bonus to you as a person. But if you aren’t aware of yourself, your own personality and characteristics than you will never be able to have a person who complements you. It is the people who are usually after the completion partner, who are left lost, confused, lonely and with the wrong person. They are the type of people who are always searching to find themselves. Because they never knew who they were before they found a man/women to make their lives. When you take the time to find yourself, you will also begin to understand traits that a partner must possess in order to fit in your life properly. Standards are like blue prints to the best relationships. Can you imagine building a tower without some blueprints, just finding a bunch of pieces of wood, nailing them together anywhere they fit and hoping it will just work out?

Having standards are essential to having a healthy relationship with the right partner. It allows one to eliminate those we don’t match with or whom are lacking something we truly desire in a partner. If you are aware of the qualities that mean most to you in a partner, you are less likely to continuously choose the wrong ones. You simply need to know yourself, wants, needs, desires and the things you stand for. When you are aware of whom you are, you are then ready to understand the type of person who will fit with you best. We are all different and certain characters match better with one person then the other. I see relationships like a puzzle where you can push two pieces of a puzzle to fit. But the final picture won't be the same than if you had taken the time to find the right piece.

Many times we are so consumed with finding a partner we let certain things that matter most to us go. That’s what ultimately leads to fights, unhappiness and in fact resentment towards our partners. But if we are aware of ourselves and therefore people who match us, than we are more likely to choose a partner who can complement our lives. One who possess the characteristics that fit with who we are and what we need. Rather than one we choose to fulfill us for the time being, only to leave us feeling like something is missing. Many people are so afraid of being alone that they try to make everyone they “date” into their next long term partner. You must always keep in mind that every individual you date, or even encounter is not your next forever. If you find yourself continuously doing this, than it is a clear sign you need to take time out from dating to find yourself. This is a huge sign of desperation due to loneliness. However a strong and understanding person, the type of person that will attract the right type of individual that is most suitable for them, does not feel every other “date” is their next forever

We need to create a list for ourselves, allowing us to be prepared. A list of standards that will guide us from making constant detours from casual dating, to relationships with the wrong person. Step one of creating such standards is to spend time getting to know you. It’s like checking the fridge before going grocery shopping. Know what you have and what you don’t. Know what you want know what you need and what you don’t need. By getting to know what’s in the fridge you can make the most beneficial grocery list. Make that grocery list and you will cut the time in the store in half. Also you won’t be as easily persuaded by the coupons to purchase things you aren’t really looking for or need. Having a list makes all the difference. So make sure you make a list of standards for yourself. Remember standards do not mean blonde, blue eyes, big tits etc. Standards mean characteristics and lifestyle choices.

By creating and following our standards we are more likely to be in a successful relationship. For instance I know that I am an extremely sarcastic person. When I create my list of standards I always make sure to put characteristics like open minded and big sense of humor as well as not easily offended. It will naturally be easier for me to be with someone who possesses such characteristics. I know that an individual who is much more sensitive than I, will not work well with me. I know I will continuously make sarcastic remarks and we will continuously battle over how they are hurting his feelings. Leading to either a rerun of arguments or one of us being forced to change and therefore resenting the other. So I choose to befriend an individual like this, rather than date them. I make my life easier and my dating life simpler by knowing myself, and therefore knowing what works with a character like me. We will be able to have more healthy relationships when we are aware and go after the things we know work for us.
So to answer the question as to why I am single. It is because when you have standards it is much harder to find someone who fits the bill. However when you do, the reward truly outweighs the wait!

Hugs,

Sherry Ahkami from Cupid's Link
http://www.cupidslink.ca/

Occupation....Being Single

2009-11-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

Who knew being single could be so exhausting? Don’t get me wrong, being single is great in the sense that there is no one else to consider or think about but your one and only self. Now as freeing and wonderful as that can be 90 percent of the time. There are moments where being single can ruin a strong, independent, usually cheerful women’s’ mind.

Recently a girlfriend and I took a trip down to Mayan Riviera. The first thing I realized during this trip is that travel centers should really have a fine print stating that this area (Mayan Riviera) is not for single ladies. There should have been a fine print stating "CAUTION, FAMILY AND COUPLE INFESTED." I rather have dealt with the swine flu over the overcrowded love nesters, children hogging the ice cream buffet, leaving barely enough rainbow sprinkles to cover my own cone. Yes single people all over let it be known that Mayan Riviera is not where you will “accidently” bump into your future husband/wife or even one night stand. It is rather a place that will remind you that being isolated with your boyfriend/girlfriend for seven days will in fact bring on many ridicules fights. As well as remind you what it’s like to entertain children 24/7 without the help of dropping them off at some daycare or school.
However as many fights as I witnessed with the couples that surrounded our resort, I was also reminded of the special moments found only in relationships. Being surrounded by couples made me remember what it’s like to care for someone. That type of love that is so intense even the fights are in some sick way enjoyable. Not to mention what it’s like to carry around your luggage when you don’t have a significant other. Airlines should provide single girls with a personal assistant!! Now please be reminded that this is not my typical thinking method. I truly enjoy being single as much as being in a relationship. I believe in finding the balance in oneself that will allow you to be just as content in both worlds. And much of this type of thinking was not only caused by the romantic scenery, but also of that unfortunate visitor of the month that I was lucky enough to enjoy while in Mexico.
Today, being single is best portrayed in the movie “He’s Just Not That into You.” We have to keep our Facebook updated with pictures from our latest party nights where we are dressed fabulously. In order to remind that special individual on our friend list that we are that sexy siren they should be profile stalking. And let me tell you how tiring it is to be constantly snapping away pictures, where we try to look our most fantastic while standing with another person whom we most likely don't even care for. But yet we feel this person is perfect for our profile picture because they will A) allow us to look great because you have most likely decided they are not as good looking as you. And B) they allow you to not look so self absorbed since that profile picture isn’t of yourself, sitting in your room, trying to look sexy. When in fact you are doing absolutely nothing but posing for hours on end to get the perfect picture. Exhausted yet? Being single today also means you need to consistently make sure you’re in your most uncomfortable yet stylish outfit. Even though you are really dreaming of your Nike runners and lulu lemon sweats. We have been trained by all the fairy tale stories that, “you really don’t know when that special someone will magically come and sweep you off your feet.” So we are always prepared in the latest toe pinching stilettos.
For all the work this takes I’m really starting to think that companies should give us single days off. Single people could use some leeway just to take off some of the edge. In many ways being single is extremely time consuming and some breaks from our 9 to 5 grind would be nice. Being single involves research (best online dating sites, learning what each body movement translates to), observation (is there a ring? is there a tan line of where a ring used to be?), multitasking( walking in six inch heels, while scanning the room for eligible candidates and all the while carrying a drink). If you ask me all of this is more work than a full time job.

The good news is that if all things go as "naturally” planned, in three days I will remind you of the fabulous life which is singlehood, till then….
Hugs,

Sherry Ahkami
http://www.cupidslink.ca/

Painless Dating

2009-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Listen here all men and boys!! Being a girl can be extremely painful! I mean this in the physical aspect. With all the physical pain involved with being a female, why do we choose to add emotional pain as well? I am referring to the emotional pain we add to our lives, when dealing with the wrong type of men.

As women, we deal with underwear that is so frilly, yet needs to be invisible under our clothes. It’s like hiding a curtain under a thin bed sheet. We do this all while sporting a permanent wedgie. Yes, that is exactly what a thong/g string really is. A 24/7 piece of fabric we so willingly wear up our ass. This is why I truly have no sympathy for the school nerd, who experiences this every once and awhile due to some insecure jerk. Women do this all day, every day for many and almost all, insecure jerks. That aside we are to be completely and utterly hairless. Including the peach fuzz you could barely see with a microscope but never the less, subtly feel. However, have you ever seen a man getting waxed or threaded? They can’t deal with it. In fact, men who want to get rid of their own hair, tend to take the easy route. I can’t begin to count the number of men I know who shave their chests, arms, etc. Could you imagine what that same man would say if he was running his hands down my arms only to feel shaved stubble? No easy route for us females.

Taking this into consideration, it makes a girl wonder why she should also go through the emotional pain for a man. Because let’s face it, the physical part is for them already. I mean I would personally prefer having a forest on my legs, over getting them waxed. So why should we allow them to control our emotional state as well. Why do we allow a man to ruin our day? Even for things as simple as him not calling!?!

The reality is, when a man wants to be with you they really give it their all. No matter what the circumstance. When it is really you they are after. Women should only allow such men to be in our lives. Women should only focus on the men who give it their all. I am not advising you to play games. I am advising you to keep yourself occupied, to keep yourself busy and fully living your life. This way you’re only making time for those men who are worth it. If he is the type of man who is only calling you on a Friday, late into the evening wondering if you are available. Well than you should tell him you already have plans. But you should really already have plans! Even if you have scheduled your Friday night to picking up the novel that you were too busy to read all week.

You know those men, who need you to twist and turn to fit in the available cracks in their schedule if you want to see him. Well those men will always take you for granted. Why would a man have to go out of his way to see you, if he knows you will make it work on his terms? I can think of countless times I left my friends, to meet a guy when he called last minute. We do this in fear that if we don’t go then, when will he ask next. Then I had to realize that he would never call ahead, never make time, if he knew I would always be available when it was convenient for him. Also how could he appreciate something that was always ready and available!?! It is our natural way of being to appreciate the things we have to work for. Men are especially and almost exclusively this way when it comes to women. If he is the type of man who calls randomly and you go running, even if you are perfect for each other, he will choose another woman. One who has made him work for her.

Genuinely keep your life busy and full! Take part in things that you would not do if you were in a relationship. Constantly expand your social circle by meeting new people, doing new things etc. A man who truly wants to see you will make sure he has booked you down long before. He will make sure he gets time in your busy schedule. He may be inexperienced in doing this. Perhaps he is used to women running to meet up with him the second he makes the call. Perhaps he doesn’t mean to offend you by calling you last minute. But if you are busy after he has done this a few times, he will learn that you are the type of women he needs to book down ahead of time. And if he truly wants to see you, he will do just that. I know how tempting it is to see a man you genuinely have feelings for. But as tempting as it may be to run out the door to see him, don’t do it. It won’t be beneficial in the long run. A sundae covered in caramel and fudge is also tempting, yet not beneficial in the long run. A minute on your lips, five years on your hips. Think of your object of affection in the same way. Always being readily available to satisfy your eagerness to see him, will only have him take advantage of the fact that he can see you whenever. And believe me; eventually he will only see you when it is convenient for him.

This is about a lifestyle choice. I choose to be with someone who will work for it. Appreciate me and leave behind those who don’t treat me in this way. Make a lifestyle choice to be with someone who would put himself on the line. Tell you his feelings no matter how vulnerable he may seem. Make time for you in his busy schedule. A man who is willing and wanting. A man who has decided that you are worth all the effort, because that will be the man who will want you till the end. He will know that as difficult as it may be to get you, you will be worth all the hard work. And it will pay off with the best life experiences together. If the man you have feelings for right now doesn’t behave in this way, then it's time to let him go. Stop thinking about the man he could be when he is with you. The women you could be, if only he was your exclusive. Keep in mind your life is still there; don’t let the days pass you by miserably. Don’t stand still in your life and mope. Don’t wish things had been different, because they aren’t. At least not today.

Today you need to keep occupied. Keep growing, keep learning and be thankful for the things you have. What you can’t do is allow yourself to keep feeling pain for what could have been. I’m sure your next waxing appointment will cause enough pain! Choose to live in the moment with the things you have available in that moment. Every moment of everyday, life is changing for us. Live in those moments. Live with the things you have. And believe that if that man is really for you, he will be there, in that moment life has given you. Not the past, and not the future. The present, this moment. Choose to live your life. Don’t wait for him before you start living.

Hugs,
Sherry Ahkami
http://www.cupidslink.ca/

Dating Questions for the month of September 2009

2009-09-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Cupid's Link,
I've given my number to a guy who I hung out with a couple times afterwards. I'm not really interested in him anymore. Should I just ignore his calls and text messages or the next time he contacts me just tell him that I'm not interested? We're not really "going out" or even dating yet, so how do I end something that hasn't even started?
Sincerely,
Just-not-interested

Dear Just-not-interested,
The best part about dating is the experience. When we date people we are given an opportunity to find out qualities we would like to have in a relationship and ones we would like to avoid. Not every guy/girl we date is our next potential boyfriend or girlfriend. I think that those who are looking for healthy relationships are aware that you sometimes date people, only to find out it doesn’t work out. However, we have to remember to treat people the same way we would like to be treated. Can you remember the last time you liked a guy, called him only to have him not call you back?! It’s not the best feeling. In fact it usually makes people feel confuse, leaving them to analyze everything that was said and done. It can also take away from people’s self esteem, as they can analyze and conclude that they aren’t enough. It’s much kinder, and healthier (because Karma may come back to bite you in the ass) to let people know how you feel. Rather than leaving them hanging and coming to unfair conclusions. I would suggest letting him know that you had a great time, he is a great person, but you just aren’t interested in that way. This way you’re protected from future karma issues. You may have also saved him from wasted energy and time of analyzing, which every one of us tend to do in such situations. He will be able to get over it much quicker when he is aware versus when he is confused, and thinking there is still a chance. Give the poor guy at least that much. Also be aware that the only reason you wouldn’t give someone the audacity of knowing you are not interested up front, is because you are being selfish and avoiding having to put yourself in an awkward confrontation. If you are mature enough to date than you should be mature enough to be responsible of the feelings of those around you.

Hey Cupid's Link
I have a question, I am an Asian male in my 20's from Vancouver. I want to know how come there are hardly any white females, in general wanting to date Asian men for a long term relationship. It is common to see white guys with Asian girls or white with white. Why never white girls with Asian guys? I hardly ever see that in craigslist.

Dear Link,
The most amazing thing about living in North America is the diversity in cultures. We are given the privilege to witness the differences and uniqueness that can be found in different cultures, right in our back doors.
We meet people from all over the world on a daily basis. Today, more than ever, we have integrated the need to be accepting to all cultures in Canada. I would suggest that when looking for a relationship; refocus your criteria, to one that is based more on an individual’s characteristics, rather than their racial descent. You may be so intent on dating a female who is perceived as “white,” that you are constantly searching for dating services who specifically cater to this. Or individuals who are in such a relationship only, to be left feeling empty handed. Also keep in mind, you usually find something when you aren’t looking. I personally can vouch that such relationships do exist. I know of females, whom you may consider “white” who are in healthy happy relationships with men of Asian descent. However they are based on emotional feelings. Please remember that love stems from all shapes, forms and colors. Keep an open mind, even if you do have specific preferences.

Dear Cupid's Link,
Is there any way of meeting people through cragilist? I've responded to many postings, given decent original responses and provided a picture if requested, but still no luck. Would eHarmony be more worthwhile? I'm not really a bar going type person. What would you advise for someone like me?

Dear Link,
Dating online can be very stressful and although it is the latest fad, or perhaps solution to our complex dating world, it is not always the best one. It can be difficult to think of witty, interesting, dynamic etc things to say when you don’t know how others will perceive it. In general your tone is never the same when one is reading what you are saying. It can become even more difficult when the person on the other end doesn’t actually know you. So be aware that you are not the only one struggling with this method. Many people also find the bar to be just as difficult of a place to meet people. Your never quite sure who is single, and therefore approachable. You can be doing something as simple as offering someone a drink just to find their boyfriend’s fist print indented on your face. The best solution for someone like you is to get involved. Participate in things you enjoy, that your community offers. This way you can meet people with same interests, in a place where it is more event oriented, allowing you to take off the stress you may find at a bar or online website. You can use it as a tool to network. You will be able to communicate with other people without having them feel you are instantly interested in dating them. Also by meeting new people you may network your way into new groups, and therefore new introductions. I always find that the best way to meet a new potential partner is in person. Casual settings are usually easier than clubs and bars. You may be interested to know that we will be offering events for singles to gather and meet one another. This is a great way to get to know people, without the stress of a bar, blind date, set up etc. They will be based on unique, diverse events that will be focused on relaxed and easy environments for people to engage in. So check us out at http://www.meetup.com/cupidslink/ in the upcoming week.